Life back home

I have been back in Caifornia living with my mom for over a week now. Last time I was here, I wanted to blow my brains out by this time (sorry mom, but, I'm sure you felt the same) not only because it was difficult living with my mother after living on my own and being an adult, but because my brother seems to have a lack of respect towards everyone. But, this time has been a lot different. Not only have I been enjoying my stay, but, I have only gotten in a small argument with my brother once or twice. I would have thought it would have been numerous times with not only him, but also my mom. I love them both dearly, but, I couldn't be happier for leaving and living on my own. Haha. It's difficult to parent when you still have someone trying to parent you.
Anyway, the rain has been really nice. I'm glad the sun is out somewhat today, and it's not super cold, but the rain smells so good here, and it's such a nice change from the snow I have really been enjoying it. My dog on the other hand does not know what to think about the rain. She's gotten better since we've been here over a week and it's been raining 75% of the time, but in the begining she would take a step outside, realize it was raining, turn around and look at me like "mom, you don't expect me to go out in THAT do you??" Haha. It's great that she loves the snow and will frolic around in it for hours if you let her, but the rain is just too much for her to handle.
Other than that, it's been a little wierd being home since all my friends have their own lives, so it's hard to see them. That or they haven't changed at all since I left, which worries me a little. It's fun for a little while, but only when I'm childless and my mom is babysitting. When I have Tori, it's hard to be irresponsible and act like a teenager. In fact, it's impossible. I find myself saying the same things my parents said to me, and it pretty much ruins any chance I have at being a "child" again myself.
Anyway, I'm still alive, and I haven't drowned yet in the huge storms we've been having, and as of right now, it looks like I will be leaving around Valentine's Day, depending on the weather. I've heard this winter is like the el nino we had in the 70's, which had a very cold and wet February. So, if that is true, I may need to leave earlier so I can make it home in time for my next prenatal. As of right now, I am 6.5 months along. Scary how fast this pregnancy is going. It seems like just the other day I was peeing on a stick and telling John it came back positive.

I'd rather have no contact

Hello All! It's been awhile since I last checked in, but everything is going well over here. I had another ultrasound yesterday and baby Anneliese Mae is now 1 lb and 3 oz. She was sucking her thumb and had her other hand on her neck (Tori does this while relaxing, whether in front of the TV, cuddling, or falling asleep). Unfortunately the pictures I got printed out just showed her profile, but I'll post those as soon as I get a chance.


In other news, John emailed me last night a 1 sentence email, and I immediately checked my chat program that hosts googletalk as well as a few other chat services I use (let me know if you use these since I'm on all the time between my phone and the computer, and we can add each other's screen names) and he was online! My heart soared and I couldn't have been happier. I said hello and then continued to tell him how things were going over here and that I was on my phone, so I had to run to the computer room to hop on the computer to talk. That's when he said he couldn't talk. I was so disappointed. I haven't been able to talk to him in days, and I really miss him. This ended with me crying on the couch and finally just going to bed because I was done with the day.

So, I've decided I'd rather not hear from him, or at least get a email in the middle of the night while I'm asleep than to get one while I'm awake and not be able to talk to him. It's just too hard knowing he's there to talk, but I can't talk to him. Hopefully once they FINALLY finish this transition between John and the other guy things will get better, but it seems like I'm beginning to say that every day, and don't know when the day will come where I won't have to. It's frustrating.

Today is day 10. How the heck am I supposed to do this for another 120 days??? Little alone the last 10-20 days with an infant and a toddler. I really wouldn't recommend my situation to anyone. Being without John isn't easy, but being pregnant and without John while I'm trying to juggle doctor’s appointments where Tori isn't allowed (during flu season), road trips (hopefully I'll be down in Santa Cruz late next week, depending on weather), hospital registration, keeping house, raising our daughter (which on its own drives me crazy. I say this while she's locked herself in the same room as me and is screaming at full volume and running around. It's a VERY small space), and all the other odds and ends like vet appointments, dentist appointments, etc. I'm just really glad I decided to not take school this semester. I was really tempted to, but I probably would have missed my finals due to having a baby, and I would have had to try to find more online classes I need (at this point the only classes I need are hard science classes like anatomy and physiology, all of which are in-class, not online). So, anyway, one less thing to juggle is always good. Now if only I could eliminate one of the other bazillion things...

How am I going to have 2?!?

As the day slowly rolled on I began to realize that I have no patience anymore. This could be attributed to the fact that I get no sleep anymore because I have an alien growing in my uterus stealing my nutrients and energy, or because Tori is entering the terrible two's. Maybe I just only had so much, and Tori's first 2 years just took it all. Maybe it's like a females eggs, you're born with so much, and once they're gone, they're gone. Now, like eggs, I don't think you're ever supposed to be completely depleated, since you're born with a lot and couldn't use them all by menopause even if you tried, but, maybe I was unfortunate and they gave me double the fertility and half the patience. It makes sense with how easy I've been able to get pregnant over the past couple years. Once while on a "reliable" birth control.

I don't know if they have patience building workshops, but at this point I'm thinking that if I am going to have two children, it's going to be necessary for me to take them. I'm pretty sure killing your own children due to extreme frustration is not a viable excuse to law enforcement and the courts. And from the prison shows I've seen on documentaries and what not, I would not survive. I would be taken in as some macho lady's toy, and would hope to die in my sleep, or even shanked (stabbed, for those of you not current on your prision or gang lingo) during lunch.

So, anyway, what I am trying to get at is, without John coming home every night to give me even 15 minutes of peace, or at least an adult to converse with, I am going crazy. I don't REALLY miss him yet since it's only been a couple days, but come 4-5PM, I miss having someone to pass Tori off to. Unfortunately, unlike the dog, I can't lock Tori in her kennel when she misbehaves. I guess the crib will have to do, although time outs seem to have lost their effect. As well as counting to three. I'm hoping this is just a phase, perhaps even brought on by the fact her daddy left, and she's blaming me for it. But, whatever the case may be, I can only take so much before I turn into Agatha Trunchbowl, from the movie Matilda, and lock someone up in the choky (a small dungeon in the principle's office in the movie) or swing a girl around by her pigtails like I'm throwing a discus in the olympics (This probably made no sense if you never saw the movie, so feel free to pretend like you never read it.).

So, as of today, I am going to need childcare once a week. Please contact me if you're interested for the position. Also, I will be accepting applications to clean my house. You will be paid in a loaf of bread or dinner, your choice. Haha. But seriously... feel free to help out.

Husbandless and surviving

Today is day 1 of John's 120 (ish) day deployment. Surprisingly, being a psychotic emotional pregnant woman, I held it together really well when we went to drop him off at the airport. I had one of my closest friends and her husband come along with us since when John comes back, they will be stationed in Alaska. I also didn't know how my emotional state was going to be, so I wanted one of them to drive my car back with me so I didn't put myself, Tori and the belly bump in danger. So, we all made it back safe, and I was even laughing along the way.

I spoke with John once he made it to California (he's staying at Travis AFB for a day or so to leave with one of their flights to Afghanistan) which could be the reason I'm doing so well, but I just like to consider it a nice transistion to him leaving. Having him safe and inside the country for a few days before he makes his trip to Bagram is fine with me. Unfortunately, I don't think it counts as the beginning of the 120 day deployment since he's technically still enroute to Afghanistan. I think once he inprocesses there, the count officially begins. Although, it's just an estimation. For all I know, his replacement won't be able to make it out to relieve him, and he'll have to spend an extra month while they find a new one. The military isn't nearly as organized as they should be considering how often men and women have deployed to the Middle East as of the last 10 years.

But, overall, I feel like since I've been through a couple TDY's (short stays at other bases to help fill in for people), one to Jordan and Saudi Arabia, and another to Texas, that this one won't be so bad. It is longer, but he isn't in anymore danger than I am driving out to California. Which is a huge relief (for me, not for him. He's quite worried about my trip this next month). I don't think I could have married a man who was a Marine or in the Army. They are the guys on the front line securing the base and other places.

I also had forgotten how large a queen bed was. Last night I fell asleep on my side of the bed, curled up with my pregnancy pillow (think full body pillow, but shaped to help relieve aches and pains of us preggers folk) and woke up this morning sleeping diagonally. It was amazing. I slept quite well. I'm sure in like a week of sleeping alone the novelty of having the entire bed to myself will have worn off and I will miss having him next to me, but for now, with my expanding mid-section, I am enjoying the extra room.

So, for now, I am holding it together really well, and Tori doesn't seem to have noticed him being gone. I'm assuming that will happen these next couple days.

And on a side note, for those of you who like to watch the news, I would like you to know I DO NOT under any circumstance want you calling or emailing me news stories about what is going on in the middle east. I have enough to stress out about without having to worry about what could have happened. I will be in touch with John pretty much every day via email and chat systems, and will keep you all updated. But, as far as where he is, he is extremely safe behind a desk in a massive military base. I don't need to hear about car bombs and whatever else is going on in his general vicinity. Thanks for your consideration.